The World Of Jadeey

You can find more funny at http://xkcd.com. Hm why didn't I link that properly? Not sure. Let's try that again. You can find more funny at http://xkcd.com

Labels: humorous

I'm over 25 and I guess that means an adult. Tomato Nation provides a helpful list of things that you really need to do once you are 25 or older.

I'm up to speed on most of them. But a few, such as writing thank-you notes, completely allude me. I'm not sure I've ever written a thank-you note in my life. I guess I'd better start!

Labels: humorous, lame blogs

Ginger kittens always look sad. Do you think it's because they know they are gingas?

And, well, this one here just makes me laugh and laugh. I find it incredibly funny.

Labels: humorous

Also, this comic is so totally true. (From the website Explosm.net. I recommend checking it out.)

Labels: humorous

Today I read about a person who was eating at an outdoor restaurant. After they had finished eating the waitress came over and cleared the rubbish and wiped down the table. The person then noticed that a blob of mayonnaise had been left behind. Normal people would ignore it, this person used their finger to wipe it up and eat it. Turns out it was actually bird poo....

I'm not sure what is worse:

That the person couldn't tell the difference between bird poo and mayonnaise
That the person would eat something directly off a public table - those things are DIRTY
That the person ate bird poo
That the person would actually want to eat a small blob of mayonnaise

Yep. It's a pretty gross story for so many reasons.

Labels: disgusting people, humorous

Kat and I went to Wolverine tonight. I really liked it. The funniest bit, though, had to be Kat before the movie even started. (She's going to kill me for this.)

A couple of important things you need to know before I start this story. The first is that people do stupid things at the cinema all the time and the staff laugh at them. The second is that Kat used to work in a movie theatre, in fact she worked in many movie theatres over a period of quite a few years.

So, Kat had our tickets and told me we were in M1 and M2. She'd worked in the cinema we were at a few years ago so I checked with her which side 1 was on. She pointed it out and off we went to find our seats. We find row M and there is someone in our seat. Annoying! I hate when people don't sit in their allocated seat. So we say to him that we are M1 and M2 and he replies that he is also M1. At the old cinema I worked in this double booking thing used to happen occasionally so I was convinced that's what had happened.

We talked for a bit and then Kat handed me my ticket and I started to try and read it. The guy very helpfully offered his cellphone so I could see. The problem? M was actually the rating of the movie. We were in O1 and O2 which Kat had read as 01 and 02, as in 2 digit numbering.

Hmmm maybe you had to be there, but I promise you - it was very funny and we laughed for a long time.

(Had our row been anything other than O, I don't think Kat would have made the mistake. When you think about it it's a fairly easy mistake to make.)

Labels: humorous, movies

This makes me laugh everytime I read it.




As does this:

Labels: humorous

Last night something weird happened, I started getting text messages from a random phone number I didn't recognise. Her are is the back and forth between me and this person - for all of your enjoyment.

Her: Hey skank
Me: Um.... who is this
Her: Jessica
Me: Sorry I think you've got the wrong person, I don't know a Jessica
Her: Is this holly?
Me: Yeah it is. Sorry, Jessica who?
Her: Jessica Norton
Me: Your name is really familiar but I can't place you sorry. How did we meet?
Her: In town thru sum friends ages ago. ur a bitch eh
Me: Um ok. What friends?
Her: It doesn't matter what friends. U fucked ova one of my mates + i honestly dnt like u eh
Me: Who did I fuck over?
Her: I dnt want to say who, i dnt want to draw other ppl into this. its btwn u + me. i'm the one that doesn't like u
Me: I really think you've got the wrong person
Her: oh its u bitch
Me: Ok and what did I supposedly do to this person I fucked over?
Her: just the way u treated him, lied to him. ur a fucken skank
Me: now I know you've got the wrong girl. It's not me
Her: How about we meet and settle this face to face
Me: Sure if it'll shut you up by proving it's not me
Her: okay you dumb cow. Let me know where is good for u, sumwhere discreet - wld hate to be interupted
Me: You name the place. You're the crazy one. I don't really give a damn

Of course, I had no intention of actually meeting her. I just wanted to know where she would name as the place because I wasn't sure if she was from Auckland or Wellington, or somewhere els entirely.

I still have no clue who she is. She never named a place which kinda proves she was just all talk. It's pretty funny though! (And very crazy)

Labels: humorous, pscyho, random

Well, Holly is not happy because Labour lost the election last night. Not only that, but Helen Clark and Michael Cullen both stepped down. I'd been expecting Helen Clark to step down before the next election, but I didn't expect it to be so quickly. My dad pointed out that it's actually very good leadership - giving the new leader the maximum possible time to be in the role before the next election.

I read a comment on Stuff.co.nz today that I made me laugh. And then made me worried because it's so damn accurate so not really all that funny afterall. The comment was on this article.

The comment says:

Employer: "Hey I think we'll take you on, but only if you agree to the minimum wage for three months and work whenever I want you to without notice for 14hrs a day without breaks. And if you don't agree to keep doing that after the 90 days are up then I might have to find a reason to sack you, Ok? Oh no wait, I don't have to find a reason to sack you any more, I can just do it for no reason at all, wow all too easy!"

Trial employee: "But I have rent to pay and I have to save for private health care and for my private retirement fund, and my family likes to eat a meal at least once a day, and I like to see my children occasionally. I'm a human being and over millions of years my body was designed to function during daylight after having several hours sleep each day. That's a real crap offer, Sir."

Employer: "Oh well, bugger off then, I'll employee someone else since there are so many unemployed to choose from".

Trial Employee "That's OK, I hope I haven't offended you with my presence. I am very grateful for my high broadband speeds. Since I have no home I can park my cardboard box house right next to the local telecom exchange and plug straight in. It makes it all worth it."


I'll be interested to see how many people regret their National vote in 6-12 months time. My guess is it will be a lot.

I'm very ashamed of, and scared for, my country right now.

Labels: election 08, Helen Clark, humorous, politics

As i've said before, my job is mind-numbing and the strangest things keep us occupied and amused. Today it was reciting the Beached Whale youtube video. We found that we could remember most of it off by heart since both of us have watched it a million times. (Sad I know.) I've heard heaps of people say it's not really a good mockery of the New Zealand accent (it's made by an Aussie), but I disagree. I am AWFUL at accents. I mean really, really awful. Yet I can spot on do the Beached Whale bit (or so I think). Therefore the accent must be a pretty close one. Sure, I don't actually speak like that in everyday life. But I reckon there are some Kiwis out there who do.

I'm sure most of you have seen it. But just in case, or just because everyone should see it again... Here is Beached Whale.

Labels: humorous, work, youtube

Only in New Zealand....

1. would we choose a foreign minister who hates foreigners
2. would we allow politicians who didn't get voted into their electorate to still get into parliament as list MPs
3. would we think it is acceptable to have a town slogan "Stokes Valley - better than you'd expect"
4. would a street sign saying "Old Bollock Rd" rather than "Old Bullock Rd" make the news not once, but twice
5. would whale vomit washing up on shore not only make the news, but also be mistaken for cheese
6. would the NZ Idol winners be chosen based on looks rather than talent
7. would Shortland Street actually attract viewers
8. would a life prison sentence not actually mean life
9. would Whale Rider be considered a good movie
10. would it be considered cool to refer to Wellington as Wellywood




(quick disclaimer - for those of you who like to take whatever I say literally, I do know these things can happen in other countries.)

If anyone else has any then feel free to comment them. Thanks to Ingrid for helping with this list. :)

Labels: humorous, lists

Thanks to Kat for finding this gem. And thanks to the guys who made it.




And here it is with just the Obama footage.

Labels: humorous, politics, youtube

A couple of days ago Kat directed me to a BRILLIANT youtube video that I will now share with you all. It's Tina Fey as Sarah Palin for SNL and it's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Thanks Kat :)

Labels: humorous, politics, youtube

I'm sure most people who read this blog regularly and who know me, expect me to blog about Winston Peters today. But I'm not going to.

Instead I'm going to talk about a funny that I discovered at work today.

I was going through the dictionary at work, checking up on the correct spelling of a word. (I can't even remember what word right now.) Anyway, as I was flicking through I was looking at the words in the top right hand corner - the ones that say which word is at the beginning and end of each page. Some words I noticed:

blow job
condom
felatio
fornication
handjob
sex

All of those words were written in the top right hand corner of the page! The dictionary was a fairly big one - with, on average, 30 entries per page. And yet, those words all happened to fall onto the beginning or end of the page. I think the dictionary is trying to tell someone something.

Labels: humorous, random

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I have a mini-obsession with this song, it is one of the few songs in my iPod that I never skip when it comes on. Usually I spend quite a bit of time skipping through tracks until I find something I'm in the mood to listen to. Mad World is always acceptable though.

I thought the lyric was vaguely appropriate today because I had a dream last night that I can't quite remember and it's really bugging me. I keep just about remembering but can't keep hold of it. I'm sure it wasn't exciting but because I can't remember I wanna know!

I bought new body-wash the other day because the supermarket didn't have my usual one. It smells AMAZING and I really like it. There's just one thing that makes me hesitate at the idea of buying it again. It reminds me of semen. This is not just me being weird, it really does! It's white and creamy looking. Honestly, I feel a little weird every time I rub it all over my body.

Ha, that reminds me of a very funny story. Unfortunately I shouldn't really tell it, since the person it's about does come here, she might not be too impressed even though I wouldn't reveal names. But now that I've gone this far she knows what I'm talking about and is probably cursing me anyway!

Argh my flatmate can be annoying sometimes. Once he's got an idea in his head he can be hard to convince otherwise.

He just came into my room and said he was going to take down the wi-fi for 5-10 minutes. I asked why and he said because he wanted tidy up his desk and that meant unplugging and untangling all the cables, one of which is the wi-fi router. I said I was downloading so could he wait until a little later on. He said that he really wanted to get it done now, before he turned his computer on for the day.

Um? Who cares? If I cancel my download I'll have to start it again, I think maybe he could just turn his computer off at some stage today! I did win the argument in the end but he is having a little sulk about it right now.

I'm off helping a friend find a new flat today. She doesn't have a car so I'm doing the driving. It's times like these that I'm incredibly grateful we found our new flat as easily as we did. And that it's as nice as it is.

Labels: dreams, humorous, random, semen

But I want you, inside out

So. Um. Yeah.


It was my mum's birthday today so we went out for dinner. It was nice. One thing about my family, we spend every moment together taking the shit out of each other. At any one point in time everyone is ganged up on one person. However, quick as a flash a new person will be ganged up on. No-one escapes unscathed. It's fun though and all said with total love.

We had a chocolate fondue thing for dessert. It was nice but I SUCKED at it. My bananas kept falling into the chocolate then I had to beat my dad to it or he'd steal them.

My mum thought it was HILARIOUS that I couldn't do it. She was chortling away to herself everytime a banana fell off my fork. (Which was everytime I got banana). Then suddenly she hit upon it, the perfect insult for me!

"Holly" she starts seriously. "It seems that you are very bad at forking."

My dad's eyes light up.

"You're not good at forking?" He asks me. "Well that must make you unpopular with the boys. You know it's very important to guys your age to be with someone who an experienced forker."

I just roll my eyes. I should have seen this coming. And, it is funny. (Especially because, let the record show - I am AWESOME!)
Honestly. Should parents make fun of their children's sex-lives this much? I thought dads were supposed to believe in their daughters innocence and threaten bodily harm to any guy who tries to take that innocence away.

Not my dad, nope. My parents really are too cool for words. I'm just glad my brother wasn't present. Then I really would have been in trouble.

Labels: family, humorous

I would treat you with so much respect and love
I would worship your body
I would worship you

*Sigh*

It'd be great wouldn't it? But as the great philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."

An error in the paper means I've had a lot of grumpy customers today. It's a rainy, gross day and they are taking it out on me.

Then just to make matters worse? I just suffered being yelled at by an old woman. Told that it wasn't good enough that what she wanted to see wasn't on. I tried to apologise and was told that she didn't want to hear from an unintelligent girl who couldn't even complete high school!

Ummmm what? I have a double degree AND a double major from uni lady! I'm probably more intelligent than she is. (especially when you see where this story ends up)

So anyway, I keep my cool. I don't yell or even raise my voice. Just state very firmly that I do not wish to be insulted and am going to walk away if she will not talk to me reasonably.

She keeps muttering under her breath but at least the yelling has stopped. I ask again what the problem is. (Despite all her yelling and the fact that by now I've been talking to her for a good 5 minutes, I still haven't a clue exactly what she's mad about)

Her reply "I was told when I rang up that you had Devil Wears Prada at 1pm in the Gold Lounge."

My response to this. "I'm very sorry ma'am. We don't have a Gold Lounge. You must be in the wrong place."

Her: "So you're telling me the person on the phone got it wrong?"

Me: "No. I'm telling you that you did not phone us, you phoned the other theatre."

She gave up at this point and stormed off. Whether to the right place or home to write me a lovely complaint letter I don't know.

People are idiots sometimes.

I'm used to being yelled at but it still bothers me. Even when I'm in the right it bothers me. Being yelled at is never fun.

This is one of the worst times to be single. After a day like I have the feeling today is going to turn out to be I would really like to go home to a hug. You know how sometimes you just need a hug and it makes everything better? Yeah, I could do with one.

Oh well. Back to the grind.

Labels: humorous, overworked, work

I really am. Let's see, I play video games, I spend far too much time online and I obsessively watch movies. Oh. And I have a blog. 'nuff said.

Although - in general I hate science fiction and don't know a huge amount about computers so that may exempt me somewhat.

I'm currently watching Forrest Gump for about the millionth time. I love it, Tom Hanks is so brilliant in it and the soundtrack is awesome. I'm sure anyone that knows SpaceMonkey knows that it was her pick. For those of you who don't know her - she plans to marry Tom Hanks some day which will be neat really cos it means she will be my mother-in-law since I'm marrying Colin Hanks. Of course, she's 3 years younger than me so calling her mum will be funny.

I don't really know why I'm writing in here. I have nothing to say but I feel like writing. For her birthday I bought SpaceMonkey Tom Hanks on Saturday Night Live. It's HILARIOUS!

There is a really funny skit where they are at a nude beach. Jon Lovitz plays a new guy who apparently has a small penis. All they do the entire time is talk about their penises. Then they sing a song about penises.

It goes a little something like this. "I once had a penis sing to me and when it sung to me it was a penis song. Penis penis penis penis penis. Penis penis all day long" It's kinda dumb when it's just written. I tried to find it on youtube but couldn't so too bad for you.

Someone pointed out to me the other day that, because I watch so many films, I should use this blog to make dvd recommendations. The trouble is - I'm so bloody crap at remembering the names of films that I won't be able to.

However, here are two films I would suggest to anyone and everyone:

1/ Rushmore If I was forced at gunpoint to pick my favourite film this is what I would say. The ending gives me goosebumps everytime I see it. It is, in fact, one of the most perfect moment of cinema ever I reckon.

and

2/ Dancer in the Dark This is a must for any Bjork fan as well as any film fan. (and can I just show off for a moment that I saw Bjork in concert when I was 14. How cool am I!)

I'll do my best to come up with some others over the next little while.

Labels: celebrities, humorous, movies, video games