The World Of Jadeey

I apologise in advance for the lack of cheer in this post. What I want to write about is (for once) not about Sam so belongs in this blog not the other one.

It's been good since my cousin arrived. She's an excellent sounding board for all my problems (poor thing - I think I bore her stupid every evening). I've never been good at talking about my feelings and my problems, I prefer to deal with these things on my own. That's probably not 100% true, I just don't like to admit weakness and don't like to admit how screwed up I really am deep inside. People can probably tell, I'm not that good an actor that I can hide it but I don't like to voice it too often. With my cousin it's different. She's known me through all the good times as well as all the bad. She loves me without question and without judgement. She arrived back into my life at the perfect time really, I was getting very unsteady and worried about falling but now she is here to catch me. Just her presence has steadied me a bit, made it that little bit easier to cope. I can't help but thank God for the fact that she was brought back into my life at the perfect time, and brought back as someone who is able to help me because that is not the person she was the last time I saw her.

We were talking this afternoon on the way home from work about the fact that I want to go to America. I was trying to explain why. How, even though it seems crazy to think that I can make it in the film industry there, I still want to go. How I feel like I'm being called over there. Making films is not 'doing God's work' but I really do get the feeling God is telling me to go there. I don't want to wait but I also feel like I am not meant to go on my own, I just don't know who I'm supposed to be going with. (Sorry to all of those who have just been startled by the fact that I admitted to religious tendencies, just another part of myself I keep fairly quiet.) While trying to explain this to my cousin I ended up starting to say it was a stupid idea and that I'd probably never do it. Her response was quite simple - "If it's what you feel you should be doing then do it. Who cares if it is logical or even if it will work, you've got to do what you think will make you happy."

She's so right. I've been putting it off for ages because I can't figure out why I feel so strongly that I should go there. But maybe there is no reason I'll ever be able to put into words. Maybe I've just gotta do it and see what happens. Still don't know who to go with but maybe if I start preparing to leave that person will come along. This is going to sound stupid to most of you but I believe it is my destiny and I believe it will all work out if I just go for it.

Now I've just gotta find the backbone to organise it and go. We'll see how I do with that. But one thing is for sure - no more trying to justify my reasoning or trying to talk myself out of it. I'm going to go, no matter what, I'm going to go.

Labels: family, taking a chance, the future

Colin Hanks is HOT!!!

I managed to score myself a ticket to the official King Kong after-party. I didn't get to see many famous people because for the most part they hung around in the VIP lounge upstairs. I got to talk to Colin Hanks though. Richard introduced us, said to Colin "Colin this is Holly". (Richard didn't actually know him, just is able to talk to everybody). Colin then said "Hi Holly I'm Colin!" He shook my hand then asked if I was enjoying myself. I said I was and that was it. Great though - he's really quite cute!

Haven't seen the movie yet. I'm going to see it at the competition on Sunday night. Will be in total comfort though so I don't feel too bad!

Other than that good night I'm pretty depressed really. Yesterday was also the aniversary of something that puts me in this mood every year. I need a holiday (always do at this time of year thanks to this damn depression). Got no time though. I'll get through, I always do. Anyway this is not the place for this sorta moaning. Will put on happy face now!

That's it though for tonight - I'm exhausted from last night still so need an early night.

Catch you all next week, same time, same bat channel.

Labels: celebrities, movies

Years gone by and still word's don't come easily

Went to a Bollywood play last night. Man it was awesome!! It was my christmas and birthday present from K and it was bloody fantastic. I tell you, it was not a night I will forget in a long time. Not just cos of who we saw there either. (And that's the last mention of him in this blog)

I really enjoy Bollywood movies but they've got nothing on this. It was spectacular. The bodies of those Indian dancers were pretty nice too!

One of the actors in it made a comment that the only difference between each bollywood film is the dances. That the dances are the reason people flock to bollywood films. It's true for me. I don't really care about watching that same story repeated over and over. But the dances and songs are great.

The one thing I really hate about plays is that once they are over that's it. Unlike your favourite movie which you can watch again and again you only get to see a play that once and it will never be exactly the same as that again. Even if you went the next night it would not be exactly the same. I love them though, would pick a live performance over a film to watch any day. And Merchants of Bollywood goes right up there to the top of my list of favourites.

Labels: boys, theatre

You know, when I was young I used to be really scared of potatoes. That seems incredibly stupid, I'm well aware of that. I wasn't scared of ordinary potatoes, just ones that had shoots coming out of them. Often we wouldn't get through a whole bag of potatoes at home for ages and the ones in the bottom of the bag would begin growing shoots. When I would open the bag and see this it would really terrify me. I think it was because the roots of the shoots (hehe rhymes) looked like little bugs. I just remembered this cos tonight I reached into a bag of potatoes and got a bit of a fright when I saw the shoots beginning to grow.

Gosh, the year is really speeding by. I can't believe it's almost 2006. Even worse is that I'm almost 24. This means I have a lot of things to acheive next year. I had a plan that I made 2 years ago of things I wanted to acheive by the time I was 25. I'm well on the way with having graduated uni and having a decent job. Still got a long way to go in the filmmaking stakes though. I reallly want to make a feature length film before I turn 25. It doesn't have to be a big budget one so it is a plenty doable target. Just gotta really focus. I keep finding other things to distract myself and that's not good. Not if I'm serious about making it as a filmmaker anyway.

My nephew is going to be on Shortland Street sometime in the next few days. I can't believe I'm actually going to have to watch that show. Ah well it'll be worth it. Seeing him on it will be awesome.

While I'm thinking about it, my feelings for my nephew are so bizarre. I adore him probably more than any other person in this world. I find that odd because I really love my parents, get on with them so well and can't imagine life without them. But with my nephew it's strange. It's like I love him so much it almost hurts. Maybe it's just cos he's such a little guy and has never done anything to hurt me. While I adore my parents as well, in my lifetime they have certainly hurt me a few times. Maybe this doesn't make the love go away but just diminishes it ever so slightly. Whereas Linc has never hurt me so my love for him is unblemished. Or maybe it's some other reason entirely. Not sure really.

Labels: family, fears

The boy stood still and stared out over the bloody battlefield. He was far too young to have been involved in a war, he should have been playing with his friends not killing people. But killing was his fate and he had done it well. His side had won. The war was over. A generation filled with hate, with blood. It was over, finally.

He continued to stare as a man in an official uniform came over to check on him. He paid no attention to the man, just to the horrible bloody scene around him. A child, no more than five years old, crying over his mother’s dead body. A father holding his little girl in his arms, her body still and lifeless. A husband trying to get near his hysterical wife as she tried in vain to get their son to wake up, he would never awake again. A father lifting a man’s body off his daughter, they had died from the same bullet as he raped her. A woman weeping over her husband’s body, he had died to save her. A family with no-one to cry for them because they had all died together. A bloody massacre.

The boy cried for all of these people. He cried for himself and for those he had lost. For those he would never know. For those he would never again talk and laugh with. For those who were so filled with hate they killed these innocent people. There was no bravery, no pride in his eyes. All that was there was sadness. Sadness for a world gone mad. He was just a boy but his innocence had been taken away from him. Never again would he play with his friends. Never again kick a ball just for the sheer joy of being young. It was his fate. His fate to live while others died. The war outside was over, he was alive but not unhurt. A war still raged within him. This scene would never leave his mind. For the rest of his life this scene would never leave him, it would haunt his dreams. No, there was no bravery in his eyes now, only sadness.

Labels: fiction

I'm a puppet no more

I had a conversation with a guy today. Now the first thing I should point out is that I fancy this guy like mad. He likes me too but for various ridiculous reasons we are not together. We've discussed it but decided just friends is best for now, but of course in every conversation there is a serious sussing out of each other and a lot of flirting.

So this conversation today. We were talking about a friend of his who has totally changed personality since dating his girlfriend. The guy now does not think for himself, whatever the girlfriend wants she gets. I've noticed this happens to a lot of guys. I know a couple of friends whose boyfriends fit into this category. The guys are great but have a blindspot when it comes to their girlfriends. It's like they're scared to disagree in case they get dumped. This is not a problem that is limited to guys either, I've known girls that do the exact same thing.

I don't know how guys feel but I think they need to realise that most girls don't want a boyfriend who doesn't have his own opinions and doesn't feel confident enough in the relationship to argue for what they want. I guess that's fine for short term relationships but definitely not long-term ones.

I have another friend who is always telling me girls want bad boys. I don't think this is true though. The movie perception of a bad boy is a dark, handsome, mysterious, guy. Yeah sure - that sounds awesome! However, the reality of a bad boy is that they also have the flaw of being jerks and are not guaranteed to be handsome. Girls don't want jerks, why would we? So yeah, girls want the movie perception of a bad boy but not an actual bad boy.

In other news: the countdown is on. 6 days to go. Anyone who needs to know understands what I am referring to.

Labels: boys, relationships