The World Of Jadeey

I've been gone from this blog a long time. In fact, if anyone even reads this I'll be surprised as I'm sure everyone has given up on checking for updates.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few months and I now consider myself a different person to the one who was blogging here, a happier person.

The first big decision to come along was my decision to join the police force. The idea of joining has filled me with a passion for exercise that had previously been lacking. Where weight-loss wasn't enough to get me to the gym on a regular basis, my desire to get fit enough to pass the police fitness test is enough. (And gets me there at 5.30am most mornings.)

It's going to be a while before I go to police college. Even once I get accepted, my call-up could be 2-3 years away. I was a bit devastated when I first heard that. I'm not the most patient person in the world and wanted to go to police college next year. Now i'm okay with it though, I've realised it gives me plenty of opportunities to do some other things I've always wanted to do.

Ever since I was a kid I've dreamed of going to another country and volunteering for something, anything that helps those people less fortunate than me. Why didn't I ever do it? A complete and total lack of bravery. Up and leaving my friends and family, travelling to a new place all alone, being gone for a significant length of time - those were all things that scared the hell out of me.

Somewhere in the last few months I've found a courage I didn't know I possessed. That courage is enough for me to be completely relaxed and comfortable with the idea of going it alone. I can do it and I will enjoy it.

I can't do anything until at least November next year because it's my cousin's wedding and, as a bridesmaid, I need to be around to help with that. After that though? The world is my oyster and I think it's about time I gave something back. I'm looking into the various options at the moment. Sadly my skills are limited, but there are a lot of volunteer programs out there for anyone who wants to help, regardless of their skill-base.

Knowing that I'm now on the right path? It's a great feeling. For years I've just sort of drifted through life with no real purpose. Now I have one and it makes getting up each day exciting. I'm really, really enjoying my life at the moment and can't wait to get on with the next phase of it.

Labels: decisions, taking a chance

I'm a dreamer. I always have been. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a very good thing. I can't imagine a life without dreams.

I think I get the dreamer thing from my dad. My mum is a lot more realistic about life. It's a good partnership my parents have really - dad dreams and mum keeps him grounded so that his dreams don't get too out of control. The dreamer thing is probably why I, like my dad, am not content to just do one thing forever. Dad has moved around a lot - he's accepted promotions to Napier, Palmerston North, back to Wellington, back to Napier, back to Palmerston North because he likes change and likes to move around. I also like change and can't imagine doing the same thing, or living in the same place, for the rest of my life. I have big dreams and they don't all involve staying in Wellington forever.

It upsets me that so many people don't even try and follow their dreams. They are instead willing to accept some mediocre life rather than taking a risk and trying to realise their dreams. I've talked about taking risks recently on this blog. It's something I consider to be very important - especially when it comes to realising your dreams. I hate seeing my friends languishing in mediocrity when I know they could be so much more. You don't have to be rich or famous to be great - you just have to be doing what you love. Someone who is doing, or trying to do, what they love - what they've always dreamed of doing - could never be considered mediocre. Never.

One of my friends is helping me to potentially realise two of my biggest dreams next year. One is a total long-shot, but I have to try it. The pay-off is too great to not take the risk.

So, how about everyone who reads this blog makes the next 12 months the year to attempt to fulfil a dream. I'm going to do it and you all should too. Consider it a favour to me.

Labels: dreams, risks, taking a chance

I apologise in advance for the lack of cheer in this post. What I want to write about is (for once) not about Sam so belongs in this blog not the other one.

It's been good since my cousin arrived. She's an excellent sounding board for all my problems (poor thing - I think I bore her stupid every evening). I've never been good at talking about my feelings and my problems, I prefer to deal with these things on my own. That's probably not 100% true, I just don't like to admit weakness and don't like to admit how screwed up I really am deep inside. People can probably tell, I'm not that good an actor that I can hide it but I don't like to voice it too often. With my cousin it's different. She's known me through all the good times as well as all the bad. She loves me without question and without judgement. She arrived back into my life at the perfect time really, I was getting very unsteady and worried about falling but now she is here to catch me. Just her presence has steadied me a bit, made it that little bit easier to cope. I can't help but thank God for the fact that she was brought back into my life at the perfect time, and brought back as someone who is able to help me because that is not the person she was the last time I saw her.

We were talking this afternoon on the way home from work about the fact that I want to go to America. I was trying to explain why. How, even though it seems crazy to think that I can make it in the film industry there, I still want to go. How I feel like I'm being called over there. Making films is not 'doing God's work' but I really do get the feeling God is telling me to go there. I don't want to wait but I also feel like I am not meant to go on my own, I just don't know who I'm supposed to be going with. (Sorry to all of those who have just been startled by the fact that I admitted to religious tendencies, just another part of myself I keep fairly quiet.) While trying to explain this to my cousin I ended up starting to say it was a stupid idea and that I'd probably never do it. Her response was quite simple - "If it's what you feel you should be doing then do it. Who cares if it is logical or even if it will work, you've got to do what you think will make you happy."

She's so right. I've been putting it off for ages because I can't figure out why I feel so strongly that I should go there. But maybe there is no reason I'll ever be able to put into words. Maybe I've just gotta do it and see what happens. Still don't know who to go with but maybe if I start preparing to leave that person will come along. This is going to sound stupid to most of you but I believe it is my destiny and I believe it will all work out if I just go for it.

Now I've just gotta find the backbone to organise it and go. We'll see how I do with that. But one thing is for sure - no more trying to justify my reasoning or trying to talk myself out of it. I'm going to go, no matter what, I'm going to go.

Labels: family, taking a chance, the future