The World Of Jadeey

I've been gone from this blog a long time. In fact, if anyone even reads this I'll be surprised as I'm sure everyone has given up on checking for updates.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few months and I now consider myself a different person to the one who was blogging here, a happier person.

The first big decision to come along was my decision to join the police force. The idea of joining has filled me with a passion for exercise that had previously been lacking. Where weight-loss wasn't enough to get me to the gym on a regular basis, my desire to get fit enough to pass the police fitness test is enough. (And gets me there at 5.30am most mornings.)

It's going to be a while before I go to police college. Even once I get accepted, my call-up could be 2-3 years away. I was a bit devastated when I first heard that. I'm not the most patient person in the world and wanted to go to police college next year. Now i'm okay with it though, I've realised it gives me plenty of opportunities to do some other things I've always wanted to do.

Ever since I was a kid I've dreamed of going to another country and volunteering for something, anything that helps those people less fortunate than me. Why didn't I ever do it? A complete and total lack of bravery. Up and leaving my friends and family, travelling to a new place all alone, being gone for a significant length of time - those were all things that scared the hell out of me.

Somewhere in the last few months I've found a courage I didn't know I possessed. That courage is enough for me to be completely relaxed and comfortable with the idea of going it alone. I can do it and I will enjoy it.

I can't do anything until at least November next year because it's my cousin's wedding and, as a bridesmaid, I need to be around to help with that. After that though? The world is my oyster and I think it's about time I gave something back. I'm looking into the various options at the moment. Sadly my skills are limited, but there are a lot of volunteer programs out there for anyone who wants to help, regardless of their skill-base.

Knowing that I'm now on the right path? It's a great feeling. For years I've just sort of drifted through life with no real purpose. Now I have one and it makes getting up each day exciting. I'm really, really enjoying my life at the moment and can't wait to get on with the next phase of it.

Labels: decisions, taking a chance

Over the last few days i've been thinking a lot about selling my DVDs. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm going to do it.

Why? Well, for starters I could actually really use the money. I'm doing okay in the money department but I definitely don't have as much as I'd like. A little extra cash certainly wouldn't go astray. Not to mention I never watch most of them so it's really just dead weight. Might as well purge it now while I still have hope of getting some money for them. With blu-ray taking off it wouldn't surprise me if it's not long before DVDs head the same way videos did.

I'll also be getting rid of my xbox games, ps2 games, my ps2 and one of my xboxes. All in all I'm going to be having quite a few trade-me listings going on in the next little while!

Labels: decisions, technology, television, video games

I hate that I always want to please everyone. Often at the detriment to myself. But I also hate that I'm so selfish sometimes that I will let everyone down just to give myself what I want.

Tomorrow there is something I desperately want to do. I got an offer I have been waiting a very long time to be offered again. Years. And yet, if I do this thing, I will be letting a whole lot of other people down. It feels like an easy decision. I can't even imagine saying no and turning this thing down. But logically I know it probably won't turn out to be what I want it to be and I will have let everyone down for nothing.

This is a decision I don't know how to make.

Labels: decisions

So, I have a decision to make. And it isn't an easy one.

I was offered my old job back today. Not my Auckland job, my Wellington one. I find it quite tempting. They are willing to make a lot of concessions to get me. It's nice to be so wanted. And the deal they offered me is not half bad.

It looks like I have a lot to think about this weekend.

Labels: decisions, work

I'm confused. So confused it scares me. There is something that has happened and it is going to have one of two possible outcomes. The confusion? I have no idea which outcome I want and still at least a week before I find out which it is going to be. I also have absolutely no control over which outcome it is going to be.

I'm 90% certain I want the answer to be outcome 1. I can't tear my mind away from the idea, it thrills me while scaring the shit out of me. There is so much wrong with wanting it yet at the same time I know I'm going to be utterly devastated if it's not the outcome I want.

The other 10% of me wants outcome 2 because I know it to be the sensible outcome to hope for. I shouldn't be wanting outcome 1, I'm insane to be not hoping for outcome 2 with my whole being.

So why do I want outcome 1 so badly? Am I really that self-desctrutive? Yes, I guess I am. Because without doubt it is what I want. It's not going to be the answer though and I should be steeling myself for disappointment. I can't though. My whole imagination is filled with the idea of what I will do if it is outcome 1, I imagine 100 different scenarios of how it will be. My goodness it is going to hurt when it doesn't happen like I'm hoping it will.

In other, less confusing news, I just drank a whole 600ml bottle of Mountain Dew and now feel very bloated and sick. Haha but I have no-one to blame but myself. Stupid lack of self control!

Labels: decisions, fantasy, fears, Mountain Dew, random