The World Of Jadeey

I think I am under siege by spiders and I don't know what I have done to deserve it. I try not to kill them, so I'm not really someone who deserves to be under siege.

The other day I stood up and went to the kitchen. When I came back I saw a spider on my chair - I had clearly been cuddled up with it for a while. Tonight I grabbed my gym shorts and found a spider on them. And then there was another one on the gate as I was leaving for the gym.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of spiders, so all of these encounters have been very traumatic. It's actually amazing that I even put my gym shorts on and went to the gym after finding a spider on them. Even once the spider has gone I think about it for a long time and am scared by the memory.

I must confess that randomly at the gym I was happily exercising when suddenly I thought there was a spider on my hand so I had a major hand-shaking panic as I tried to get it off me. I didn't actually see one so I'm sure I was imagining it. Still scary though.

Labels: fears, spiders

It was hard to wake up this morning. So damn hard.

I realised something today. (I have lots of time to think at work.) I realised that I don't mind waiting to meet the perfect man. I don't have a problem with being single because I do believe that I'll find him one day and we'll be together. The bit that worries me is that I really want kids. It scares me that if it takes me too long to find the father of my kids it'll be too late to be a mum.

I read about a woman who is 60 and just gave birth. I don't want to do that! I want to be able to enjoy my kids and give them the best possible chance of having me live until they are all grown up.

Okay, time to stop thinking about this.

Labels: fears, mood

This afternoon a 3 year old boy was killed in Blenheim while playing on the footpath. A car was backing out of its driveway and hit him. It made me really sad when I read about it.

Hitting someone while backing out of my driveway is something that often scares me. Lots of people don't even look into driveways as they are walking along. I try and look really carefully when I'm backing out, but the way the bushes surround our driveway it would be very easy to not see someone in time.

Imagine how the poor driver of that car is feeling today. Very likely it was a neighbour. And that little boy's family. So devasting.

Death is always hard. But death of children has to be the hardest. I fully believe that no parent should have to bury their child.

Labels: awful, fears

There are so many things I could blog about today.... And yet I can't seem to think of anything to write.

We've been finding lots of white-tail spiders in our house recently. It's not good. We've had three in the past ten days. That seems like far too many. Even one would be too many for me - spiders scare the crap out of me. Especially spiders than can do serious damage when they bite.

Something that made me happy today though - petrol prices went down again. It's currently at $1.43 and that makes unemployed-Holly very happy indeed.

Labels: fears, lame blogs

I'm confused. So confused it scares me. There is something that has happened and it is going to have one of two possible outcomes. The confusion? I have no idea which outcome I want and still at least a week before I find out which it is going to be. I also have absolutely no control over which outcome it is going to be.

I'm 90% certain I want the answer to be outcome 1. I can't tear my mind away from the idea, it thrills me while scaring the shit out of me. There is so much wrong with wanting it yet at the same time I know I'm going to be utterly devastated if it's not the outcome I want.

The other 10% of me wants outcome 2 because I know it to be the sensible outcome to hope for. I shouldn't be wanting outcome 1, I'm insane to be not hoping for outcome 2 with my whole being.

So why do I want outcome 1 so badly? Am I really that self-desctrutive? Yes, I guess I am. Because without doubt it is what I want. It's not going to be the answer though and I should be steeling myself for disappointment. I can't though. My whole imagination is filled with the idea of what I will do if it is outcome 1, I imagine 100 different scenarios of how it will be. My goodness it is going to hurt when it doesn't happen like I'm hoping it will.

In other, less confusing news, I just drank a whole 600ml bottle of Mountain Dew and now feel very bloated and sick. Haha but I have no-one to blame but myself. Stupid lack of self control!

Labels: decisions, fantasy, fears, Mountain Dew, random

You know, when I was young I used to be really scared of potatoes. That seems incredibly stupid, I'm well aware of that. I wasn't scared of ordinary potatoes, just ones that had shoots coming out of them. Often we wouldn't get through a whole bag of potatoes at home for ages and the ones in the bottom of the bag would begin growing shoots. When I would open the bag and see this it would really terrify me. I think it was because the roots of the shoots (hehe rhymes) looked like little bugs. I just remembered this cos tonight I reached into a bag of potatoes and got a bit of a fright when I saw the shoots beginning to grow.

Gosh, the year is really speeding by. I can't believe it's almost 2006. Even worse is that I'm almost 24. This means I have a lot of things to acheive next year. I had a plan that I made 2 years ago of things I wanted to acheive by the time I was 25. I'm well on the way with having graduated uni and having a decent job. Still got a long way to go in the filmmaking stakes though. I reallly want to make a feature length film before I turn 25. It doesn't have to be a big budget one so it is a plenty doable target. Just gotta really focus. I keep finding other things to distract myself and that's not good. Not if I'm serious about making it as a filmmaker anyway.

My nephew is going to be on Shortland Street sometime in the next few days. I can't believe I'm actually going to have to watch that show. Ah well it'll be worth it. Seeing him on it will be awesome.

While I'm thinking about it, my feelings for my nephew are so bizarre. I adore him probably more than any other person in this world. I find that odd because I really love my parents, get on with them so well and can't imagine life without them. But with my nephew it's strange. It's like I love him so much it almost hurts. Maybe it's just cos he's such a little guy and has never done anything to hurt me. While I adore my parents as well, in my lifetime they have certainly hurt me a few times. Maybe this doesn't make the love go away but just diminishes it ever so slightly. Whereas Linc has never hurt me so my love for him is unblemished. Or maybe it's some other reason entirely. Not sure really.

Labels: family, fears