Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I'm confused. So confused it scares me. There is something that has happened and it is going to have one of two possible outcomes. The confusion? I have no idea which outcome I want and still at least a week before I find out which it is going to be. I also have absolutely no control over which outcome it is going to be.
I'm 90% certain I want the answer to be outcome 1. I can't tear my mind away from the idea, it thrills me while scaring the shit out of me. There is so much wrong with wanting it yet at the same time I know I'm going to be utterly devastated if it's not the outcome I want.
The other 10% of me wants outcome 2 because I know it to be the sensible outcome to hope for. I shouldn't be wanting outcome 1, I'm insane to be not hoping for outcome 2 with my whole being.
So why do I want outcome 1 so badly? Am I really that self-desctrutive? Yes, I guess I am. Because without doubt it is what I want. It's not going to be the answer though and I should be steeling myself for disappointment. I can't though. My whole imagination is filled with the idea of what I will do if it is outcome 1, I imagine 100 different scenarios of how it will be. My goodness it is going to hurt when it doesn't happen like I'm hoping it will.
In other, less confusing news, I just drank a whole 600ml bottle of Mountain Dew and now feel very bloated and sick. Haha but I have no-one to blame but myself. Stupid lack of self control!
I'm 90% certain I want the answer to be outcome 1. I can't tear my mind away from the idea, it thrills me while scaring the shit out of me. There is so much wrong with wanting it yet at the same time I know I'm going to be utterly devastated if it's not the outcome I want.
The other 10% of me wants outcome 2 because I know it to be the sensible outcome to hope for. I shouldn't be wanting outcome 1, I'm insane to be not hoping for outcome 2 with my whole being.
So why do I want outcome 1 so badly? Am I really that self-desctrutive? Yes, I guess I am. Because without doubt it is what I want. It's not going to be the answer though and I should be steeling myself for disappointment. I can't though. My whole imagination is filled with the idea of what I will do if it is outcome 1, I imagine 100 different scenarios of how it will be. My goodness it is going to hurt when it doesn't happen like I'm hoping it will.
In other, less confusing news, I just drank a whole 600ml bottle of Mountain Dew and now feel very bloated and sick. Haha but I have no-one to blame but myself. Stupid lack of self control!
Labels: decisions, fantasy, fears, Mountain Dew, random
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on Sunday, October 01, 2006 at 8:11 PM.
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