Is it too late to admit that I'm afraid?
I apologise in advance for the lack of cheer in this post. What I want to write about is (for once) not about Sam so belongs in this blog not the other one.
It's been good since my cousin arrived. She's an excellent sounding board for all my problems (poor thing - I think I bore her stupid every evening). I've never been good at talking about my feelings and my problems, I prefer to deal with these things on my own. That's probably not 100% true, I just don't like to admit weakness and don't like to admit how screwed up I really am deep inside. People can probably tell, I'm not that good an actor that I can hide it but I don't like to voice it too often. With my cousin it's different. She's known me through all the good times as well as all the bad. She loves me without question and without judgement. She arrived back into my life at the perfect time really, I was getting very unsteady and worried about falling but now she is here to catch me. Just her presence has steadied me a bit, made it that little bit easier to cope. I can't help but thank God for the fact that she was brought back into my life at the perfect time, and brought back as someone who is able to help me because that is not the person she was the last time I saw her.
We were talking this afternoon on the way home from work about the fact that I want to go to America. I was trying to explain why. How, even though it seems crazy to think that I can make it in the film industry there, I still want to go. How I feel like I'm being called over there. Making films is not 'doing God's work' but I really do get the feeling God is telling me to go there. I don't want to wait but I also feel like I am not meant to go on my own, I just don't know who I'm supposed to be going with. (Sorry to all of those who have just been startled by the fact that I admitted to religious tendencies, just another part of myself I keep fairly quiet.) While trying to explain this to my cousin I ended up starting to say it was a stupid idea and that I'd probably never do it. Her response was quite simple - "If it's what you feel you should be doing then do it. Who cares if it is logical or even if it will work, you've got to do what you think will make you happy."
She's so right. I've been putting it off for ages because I can't figure out why I feel so strongly that I should go there. But maybe there is no reason I'll ever be able to put into words. Maybe I've just gotta do it and see what happens. Still don't know who to go with but maybe if I start preparing to leave that person will come along. This is going to sound stupid to most of you but I believe it is my destiny and I believe it will all work out if I just go for it.
Now I've just gotta find the backbone to organise it and go. We'll see how I do with that. But one thing is for sure - no more trying to justify my reasoning or trying to talk myself out of it. I'm going to go, no matter what, I'm going to go.
It's been good since my cousin arrived. She's an excellent sounding board for all my problems (poor thing - I think I bore her stupid every evening). I've never been good at talking about my feelings and my problems, I prefer to deal with these things on my own. That's probably not 100% true, I just don't like to admit weakness and don't like to admit how screwed up I really am deep inside. People can probably tell, I'm not that good an actor that I can hide it but I don't like to voice it too often. With my cousin it's different. She's known me through all the good times as well as all the bad. She loves me without question and without judgement. She arrived back into my life at the perfect time really, I was getting very unsteady and worried about falling but now she is here to catch me. Just her presence has steadied me a bit, made it that little bit easier to cope. I can't help but thank God for the fact that she was brought back into my life at the perfect time, and brought back as someone who is able to help me because that is not the person she was the last time I saw her.
We were talking this afternoon on the way home from work about the fact that I want to go to America. I was trying to explain why. How, even though it seems crazy to think that I can make it in the film industry there, I still want to go. How I feel like I'm being called over there. Making films is not 'doing God's work' but I really do get the feeling God is telling me to go there. I don't want to wait but I also feel like I am not meant to go on my own, I just don't know who I'm supposed to be going with. (Sorry to all of those who have just been startled by the fact that I admitted to religious tendencies, just another part of myself I keep fairly quiet.) While trying to explain this to my cousin I ended up starting to say it was a stupid idea and that I'd probably never do it. Her response was quite simple - "If it's what you feel you should be doing then do it. Who cares if it is logical or even if it will work, you've got to do what you think will make you happy."
She's so right. I've been putting it off for ages because I can't figure out why I feel so strongly that I should go there. But maybe there is no reason I'll ever be able to put into words. Maybe I've just gotta do it and see what happens. Still don't know who to go with but maybe if I start preparing to leave that person will come along. This is going to sound stupid to most of you but I believe it is my destiny and I believe it will all work out if I just go for it.
Now I've just gotta find the backbone to organise it and go. We'll see how I do with that. But one thing is for sure - no more trying to justify my reasoning or trying to talk myself out of it. I'm going to go, no matter what, I'm going to go.
Labels: family, taking a chance, the future
share this: facebook
This entry was posted
on Thursday, December 29, 2005 at 6:05 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment