The thing that I'm just trying to say to you...
... Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle.
I sometimes sit and wonder where I went wrong. I get totally consumed with the fact that it all went wrong; that, despite my insistence to the contrary most of the time, I'm not even half over him; that I would still give it all up for him if he asked.
The pain has definitely dulled. It used to a sharp, stabbing pain. It used to affect every single bloody thing I did. It no longer does. Instead of being at the forefront of my mind constantly he's now at the back, he only gets brought to the front when something happens that reminds me.
I wonder if I should have done something differently. There are two moments in time when I was standing in front of two doors and knew absolutely the choice I was making. I just thought, both times, that it would be easier to get over. I thought I was making the right decision. The first time the decision was for me, if I'd known then what I know now I would never have made that decision. I don't know if it would have made a difference, only 50% of the choice was mine but I'd risk it all if I could go back in time and have a do-over.
The second time the choice was harder. The second time the choice was for him rather than myself. I don't know if I'd make the same decision again or not. I like to think I would. I like to think that, even knowing what I know now, that I would be a strong enough, good enough person to make that same decision. I promised myself and I promised him that I'd never ask it of him and I haven't. To ask wouldn't have been fair back then. Now, it still wouldn't be fair and I'm not even confident what the answer would be anymore.
I'm not unhappy about it right now. Just curious. As I said, it's just a dull ache. I don't get upset about it like I used to and for that I'm thankful.
I do wonder though. I wonder what would happen if I picked up my phone right now and sent him one word. If I just wrote Please. Would he know what mean, what I am pleading for? Would he care? Would he give me what I still, in my weak moments, desperately want?
I'll probably never know. I'm not going to send it. Not going to ask. I promised us both once that I wouldn't ask and I won't. Even if it never gets any easier than it is right now. share this: facebook
I sometimes sit and wonder where I went wrong. I get totally consumed with the fact that it all went wrong; that, despite my insistence to the contrary most of the time, I'm not even half over him; that I would still give it all up for him if he asked.
The pain has definitely dulled. It used to a sharp, stabbing pain. It used to affect every single bloody thing I did. It no longer does. Instead of being at the forefront of my mind constantly he's now at the back, he only gets brought to the front when something happens that reminds me.
I wonder if I should have done something differently. There are two moments in time when I was standing in front of two doors and knew absolutely the choice I was making. I just thought, both times, that it would be easier to get over. I thought I was making the right decision. The first time the decision was for me, if I'd known then what I know now I would never have made that decision. I don't know if it would have made a difference, only 50% of the choice was mine but I'd risk it all if I could go back in time and have a do-over.
The second time the choice was harder. The second time the choice was for him rather than myself. I don't know if I'd make the same decision again or not. I like to think I would. I like to think that, even knowing what I know now, that I would be a strong enough, good enough person to make that same decision. I promised myself and I promised him that I'd never ask it of him and I haven't. To ask wouldn't have been fair back then. Now, it still wouldn't be fair and I'm not even confident what the answer would be anymore.
I'm not unhappy about it right now. Just curious. As I said, it's just a dull ache. I don't get upset about it like I used to and for that I'm thankful.
I do wonder though. I wonder what would happen if I picked up my phone right now and sent him one word. If I just wrote Please. Would he know what mean, what I am pleading for? Would he care? Would he give me what I still, in my weak moments, desperately want?
I'll probably never know. I'm not going to send it. Not going to ask. I promised us both once that I wouldn't ask and I won't. Even if it never gets any easier than it is right now. share this: facebook
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on Tuesday, November 27, 2007 at 8:49 PM.
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