I'm just out to find the better part of me
I have two days off in a row. For me, since I've been in Auckland, this is a miracle. In fact, I've been in Auckland since January and this is the first time I've had two days off in a row.
Work is... Interesting. It's swings and roundabouts for me there. Sometimes I have awful days where it's all I can do not to walk out and never come back. Other days it's great and I wonder how I can possibly even consider leaving.
I'm going to be trying to get back into the habit of updating here regularly. I want to be a writer and the only way to get better at it is to do it. Despite how tired I am after work I need to never let myself forget that writing is my ultimate goal and everything I do should be working towards that. Hence, there will hopefully be far more regular posts from me.
I really want to know why Aucklanders are such pushy, arrogant jerks. Do they think that just because they live in the biggest city in the country they are better than the rest of us? Because, I'm here to tell you that Auckland may be the biggest city in the country but it's far from the best. It's also nothing compared to hundreds of cities around the world. So, no, being from Auckland doesn't make you better than everyone else.
People here seem to relish in other people's unease. I should stop right now and point out that I am generalising atrociously, the majority of people I have met are just as lovely as the people I've met all my life. The problem does not lie with these people in Auckland but with the enormous number of people that are not lovely and that are actually downright rude. Actually, there's a thought, there are more people in Auckland so it stands to reason that I would encounter more horrible ones. There could, in fact, be the same percentage of horrible people here as everywhere else. Food for thought anyway.
Still, I will continue with my thought process because I am not certain my percentage argument as right. And, let's face it, I have nothing else to do right now.
Where was I? Right. People here relishing in other people's unease. Being that work is the only real place I've spent any time my experiences of Auckland are mainly what I have experienced there. The customers who come in are a hundred times worse than the customers we had in Wellington. In Wellington an angry customer would generally ask for the duty manager and rip into them rather than ripping into the 16 year old serving them. Up here though? We have had so many customers treating our staff badly and some very distraught cinema attendants have resulted. I really don't like it. I don't think customers should be yelling at anyone anyway but to yell at kids? What the hell gives them the right? Get a fucking life, it doesn't make you a big man to make a kid cry. I don't honestly see how that even makes someone feel good. It would make me feel awful.
Even when I've had shocking service somewhere I tend to say thank you. It's been ingrained in me since I was a kid to be polite and I generally find I can't be impolite even when I want to be. Besides, I don't really care. If the person doesn't enjoy their job that's their deal, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it worse for them.
Maybe it has something to do with money. Without question there is more money in Auckland than there is in Wellington. The richer someone is the nastier someone is? Again this is a gross generalisation as there are some wonderful, caring, kind people with money. My parents to name just two. Money quite possibly is the answer though. Money tends to go to people's heads and give them an inflated idea of their importance and worth.
I'm bored with that topic now so am going to move onto a new one. (heh it's been a while since I properly posted so I reckon this is gonna be a long one :))
I think about time travel a lot. I don't believe in it, see no fathomable way that it is actually possible but I often wish it was. There are many things I would like to go back in time and change.
I would like to have said yes the time that I said no. (I do actually mean a specific time, I'm just being evasive because I don't want to share exactly which time I mean with people.) I would also like to have said no when I said yes. I would like to have studied something different at university. I would like to have not done a great many things I did and would like to have done a great many things I didn't do.
It is that which we experience that makes us who we are. This is, of course, true and without the experiences I would like to erase I wouldn't be the person I am now. But the kicker is that I don't want to be the person I am now. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with me and my life but at the same time there are so many things fundamentally wrong with me and my life. Some of these things I can change and am working on changing but others are beyond my capability to change even though the desire is there.
I can see why parents try to guide their children. Why they tell their children not to do something (or to do something) even while knowing without doubt that the child is going to do the exact opposite. Kids need to experience things for themselves to learn but damn it, if I was a parent I know I'd be telling my children anyway. Afterall, we don't want those we love to have to experience the pain of learning the hard lessons we have ourselves already learned.
Everyone will always learn lessons the hard way. Without experiencing things for ourselves we are really just listening to the lesson and believing it. To really, truly, learn something we need to go through it. That fucking sucks.
I like to believe, and it is a naive belief of someone who regularly feels hurt, (although I don't doubt for even one moment that my life is a good one and I have no real right to complain, I can't help it - it may be good comparatively but it isn't the life I would have chosen for myself in hindsight.) that while this Holly has made some of the wrong decisions, there is a universe out there when I have made different decisions, better decisions. I know this isn't true, just as I know time-travel is not possible but it is still something that I cling to in the dead of night when I feel alone and sad. It makes it easier somehow to believe that there is a me out there who is happy.
As I said in my previous post (added later for those who had already read it - somehow a paragraph got deleted so I had to add it back in) not everyone gets a happy ending. I will continue to hope that I will be one of those who gets a happy ending. Luckily I guess we don't know until our final moments whether or not we got a happy ending. Until then there is always hope that something will happen to give us that happy ending. I guess I'll have to start hoping for a happy middle as well.
I don't want anyone to be reading this and thinking that I'm a selfish bitch for being unhappy considering everything I have. I also don't want my friends to be reading this and thinking that I'm dangerously depressed. I'm not. I know damn well that my life is great compared to some people's. But, it is also not great compared to some people's. I doubt there is anyone in the world who is totally content with their lot in life. There are people who are content enough but I can't imagine there is anyone out there who doesn't want for anything at all. What I'm really trying to say is that my life has not turned out the way my childhood self expected it to and I mourn what could have been. There is still time, I'm still young. But, based on things that have gone on before it is impossible that I will have absolutely everything I always dreamed of.
It doesn't help my mood that the one thing I dream of most is the one thing I cannot have no matter how much I wish it. I comfort myself with a few thoughts. One is that my being given that dream would be taking it away from someone else and that is something which would fill me with guilt and possibly ruin the dream for me anyway. The other is that the saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side' is probably true and I would find the realisation of this particular dream nowhere near as wonderful as the dream itself is.
Yes. I am transparent. The dream of which I speak is a particular male. But know this, if you happen to be reading and know that it is you of which I speak. (Which you probably won't because, to my knowledge, you do not read here.) If you come to me, of your own volition, I will deny you nothing.
The final topic of tonight (I think, unless I think of something else as I type) is from a book I once read. The hero of the book came across to everyone who knew him as a bumbling but lovely fool. People did not think him unintelligent but they did think he didn't pay much attention to those around him and they did always find him good for a laugh. The reader though knew he wasn't a fool at all. He very closely watched those around him and gave the reader insight into the other characters. He was, without question, the most perceptive of all the characters. His reason for playing the fool and allowing others to believe he wasn't paying any attention to those around him was that it comforted them. He knew it was what others needed and so that was the part he played.
Thinking about that made me think about the masks people wear everyday. We all play a part and we all cover up our true selves at times. The world is not black and white and neither are people. I know that I present different persona's to different people. All of these persona's, these masks, are facets of me and it means that I don't think anyone other than myself will ever be able to truly know me. Oh for sure there are people that know me very well indeed but there is probably not a single person who will see absolutely every persona I present to the world. I am sure this is the same for everyone. We are different with friends, with lovers, with parents, with children, with work colleagues, with acquaintances and with strangers. Because of this we are the only ones who can ever truly know ourselves. And maybe it's best that way. share this: facebook
Work is... Interesting. It's swings and roundabouts for me there. Sometimes I have awful days where it's all I can do not to walk out and never come back. Other days it's great and I wonder how I can possibly even consider leaving.
I'm going to be trying to get back into the habit of updating here regularly. I want to be a writer and the only way to get better at it is to do it. Despite how tired I am after work I need to never let myself forget that writing is my ultimate goal and everything I do should be working towards that. Hence, there will hopefully be far more regular posts from me.
I really want to know why Aucklanders are such pushy, arrogant jerks. Do they think that just because they live in the biggest city in the country they are better than the rest of us? Because, I'm here to tell you that Auckland may be the biggest city in the country but it's far from the best. It's also nothing compared to hundreds of cities around the world. So, no, being from Auckland doesn't make you better than everyone else.
People here seem to relish in other people's unease. I should stop right now and point out that I am generalising atrociously, the majority of people I have met are just as lovely as the people I've met all my life. The problem does not lie with these people in Auckland but with the enormous number of people that are not lovely and that are actually downright rude. Actually, there's a thought, there are more people in Auckland so it stands to reason that I would encounter more horrible ones. There could, in fact, be the same percentage of horrible people here as everywhere else. Food for thought anyway.
Still, I will continue with my thought process because I am not certain my percentage argument as right. And, let's face it, I have nothing else to do right now.
Where was I? Right. People here relishing in other people's unease. Being that work is the only real place I've spent any time my experiences of Auckland are mainly what I have experienced there. The customers who come in are a hundred times worse than the customers we had in Wellington. In Wellington an angry customer would generally ask for the duty manager and rip into them rather than ripping into the 16 year old serving them. Up here though? We have had so many customers treating our staff badly and some very distraught cinema attendants have resulted. I really don't like it. I don't think customers should be yelling at anyone anyway but to yell at kids? What the hell gives them the right? Get a fucking life, it doesn't make you a big man to make a kid cry. I don't honestly see how that even makes someone feel good. It would make me feel awful.
Even when I've had shocking service somewhere I tend to say thank you. It's been ingrained in me since I was a kid to be polite and I generally find I can't be impolite even when I want to be. Besides, I don't really care. If the person doesn't enjoy their job that's their deal, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it worse for them.
Maybe it has something to do with money. Without question there is more money in Auckland than there is in Wellington. The richer someone is the nastier someone is? Again this is a gross generalisation as there are some wonderful, caring, kind people with money. My parents to name just two. Money quite possibly is the answer though. Money tends to go to people's heads and give them an inflated idea of their importance and worth.
I'm bored with that topic now so am going to move onto a new one. (heh it's been a while since I properly posted so I reckon this is gonna be a long one :))
I think about time travel a lot. I don't believe in it, see no fathomable way that it is actually possible but I often wish it was. There are many things I would like to go back in time and change.
I would like to have said yes the time that I said no. (I do actually mean a specific time, I'm just being evasive because I don't want to share exactly which time I mean with people.) I would also like to have said no when I said yes. I would like to have studied something different at university. I would like to have not done a great many things I did and would like to have done a great many things I didn't do.
It is that which we experience that makes us who we are. This is, of course, true and without the experiences I would like to erase I wouldn't be the person I am now. But the kicker is that I don't want to be the person I am now. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with me and my life but at the same time there are so many things fundamentally wrong with me and my life. Some of these things I can change and am working on changing but others are beyond my capability to change even though the desire is there.
I can see why parents try to guide their children. Why they tell their children not to do something (or to do something) even while knowing without doubt that the child is going to do the exact opposite. Kids need to experience things for themselves to learn but damn it, if I was a parent I know I'd be telling my children anyway. Afterall, we don't want those we love to have to experience the pain of learning the hard lessons we have ourselves already learned.
Everyone will always learn lessons the hard way. Without experiencing things for ourselves we are really just listening to the lesson and believing it. To really, truly, learn something we need to go through it. That fucking sucks.
I like to believe, and it is a naive belief of someone who regularly feels hurt, (although I don't doubt for even one moment that my life is a good one and I have no real right to complain, I can't help it - it may be good comparatively but it isn't the life I would have chosen for myself in hindsight.) that while this Holly has made some of the wrong decisions, there is a universe out there when I have made different decisions, better decisions. I know this isn't true, just as I know time-travel is not possible but it is still something that I cling to in the dead of night when I feel alone and sad. It makes it easier somehow to believe that there is a me out there who is happy.
As I said in my previous post (added later for those who had already read it - somehow a paragraph got deleted so I had to add it back in) not everyone gets a happy ending. I will continue to hope that I will be one of those who gets a happy ending. Luckily I guess we don't know until our final moments whether or not we got a happy ending. Until then there is always hope that something will happen to give us that happy ending. I guess I'll have to start hoping for a happy middle as well.
I don't want anyone to be reading this and thinking that I'm a selfish bitch for being unhappy considering everything I have. I also don't want my friends to be reading this and thinking that I'm dangerously depressed. I'm not. I know damn well that my life is great compared to some people's. But, it is also not great compared to some people's. I doubt there is anyone in the world who is totally content with their lot in life. There are people who are content enough but I can't imagine there is anyone out there who doesn't want for anything at all. What I'm really trying to say is that my life has not turned out the way my childhood self expected it to and I mourn what could have been. There is still time, I'm still young. But, based on things that have gone on before it is impossible that I will have absolutely everything I always dreamed of.
It doesn't help my mood that the one thing I dream of most is the one thing I cannot have no matter how much I wish it. I comfort myself with a few thoughts. One is that my being given that dream would be taking it away from someone else and that is something which would fill me with guilt and possibly ruin the dream for me anyway. The other is that the saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side' is probably true and I would find the realisation of this particular dream nowhere near as wonderful as the dream itself is.
Yes. I am transparent. The dream of which I speak is a particular male. But know this, if you happen to be reading and know that it is you of which I speak. (Which you probably won't because, to my knowledge, you do not read here.) If you come to me, of your own volition, I will deny you nothing.
The final topic of tonight (I think, unless I think of something else as I type) is from a book I once read. The hero of the book came across to everyone who knew him as a bumbling but lovely fool. People did not think him unintelligent but they did think he didn't pay much attention to those around him and they did always find him good for a laugh. The reader though knew he wasn't a fool at all. He very closely watched those around him and gave the reader insight into the other characters. He was, without question, the most perceptive of all the characters. His reason for playing the fool and allowing others to believe he wasn't paying any attention to those around him was that it comforted them. He knew it was what others needed and so that was the part he played.
Thinking about that made me think about the masks people wear everyday. We all play a part and we all cover up our true selves at times. The world is not black and white and neither are people. I know that I present different persona's to different people. All of these persona's, these masks, are facets of me and it means that I don't think anyone other than myself will ever be able to truly know me. Oh for sure there are people that know me very well indeed but there is probably not a single person who will see absolutely every persona I present to the world. I am sure this is the same for everyone. We are different with friends, with lovers, with parents, with children, with work colleagues, with acquaintances and with strangers. Because of this we are the only ones who can ever truly know ourselves. And maybe it's best that way. share this: facebook
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