Is it cheating?
A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend. (And yes, I did check with her if she minded me blogging about it. She doesn't.) Her boyfriend cheated on her, and yet he doesn't consider what he did cheating. Talking about it made us start discussing what cheating is.
One persons cheating can be another persons innocent nothing. It all comes down to personal opinion, but it's probably important your partner knows what you consider cheating to be so that they make an informed decision.
Cheating, to me, is anything that you know your partner would consider a betrayal. I myself would consider any sexual contact with another person cheating. I would consider it cheating if my boyfriend/husband was sending dirty text messages to another person. I would consider it a small betrayal, though not outright cheating and not cause for breaking up, if my boyfriend/husband was having sexual fantasies about someone real. Celebrities, no. Friends, yes. I don't count dreams, obviously, because you can't control your subconscious. I'm talking conscious fantasies.
So, I guess I have a fairly strict view of monogomy. I also think it's a fairly common view though.
A guy I was friends with at university had a very different view of cheating. He and his wife had an open marriage. To them, having sex with someone else wasn't cheating - it was perfectly acceptable. They did have rules though - it would have been cheating if their partner didn't get to meet the other person first. If my friend wanted to sleep with another girl he had to first introduce her to his wife. His wife then had the right to veto it and say he wasn't allowed to sleep with her. The same went if his wife wanted to sleep with another guy. I didn't personally understand it, but it worked for them. They were, and still are from what I hear, happily married.
My friend, the one who has just dumped her boyfriend, has the same definition I do for cheating - any sexual contact. She found out that her boyfriend had been talking with a girl online. It was a girl he'd never met - but he was having cyber-sex with her and sending her all kinds of dirty messages. My friend considered it cheating, her (now ex) boyfriend didn't. I don't know whether the guy knew his girlfriend would be upset by it or not. But she was, and their relationship ended because of it.
It's interesting really, how technology has even had an affect on cheating. From what I hear, 'cheating' (I put it in speech marks because for some people it isn't cheating) with someone you've never met - often someone on the other side of the world - using the internet has become kind of common. I'm not sure how many of those become actual relationships. Not many i'd guess. My suspicion is that for most of the 'cheaters' it's just an escape from reality - hardly different from porn. It'd be interesting to see some research on it. But let's cure cancer first aye... I think that's a little more pressing in the research stakes.
One persons cheating can be another persons innocent nothing. It all comes down to personal opinion, but it's probably important your partner knows what you consider cheating to be so that they make an informed decision.
Cheating, to me, is anything that you know your partner would consider a betrayal. I myself would consider any sexual contact with another person cheating. I would consider it cheating if my boyfriend/husband was sending dirty text messages to another person. I would consider it a small betrayal, though not outright cheating and not cause for breaking up, if my boyfriend/husband was having sexual fantasies about someone real. Celebrities, no. Friends, yes. I don't count dreams, obviously, because you can't control your subconscious. I'm talking conscious fantasies.
So, I guess I have a fairly strict view of monogomy. I also think it's a fairly common view though.
A guy I was friends with at university had a very different view of cheating. He and his wife had an open marriage. To them, having sex with someone else wasn't cheating - it was perfectly acceptable. They did have rules though - it would have been cheating if their partner didn't get to meet the other person first. If my friend wanted to sleep with another girl he had to first introduce her to his wife. His wife then had the right to veto it and say he wasn't allowed to sleep with her. The same went if his wife wanted to sleep with another guy. I didn't personally understand it, but it worked for them. They were, and still are from what I hear, happily married.
My friend, the one who has just dumped her boyfriend, has the same definition I do for cheating - any sexual contact. She found out that her boyfriend had been talking with a girl online. It was a girl he'd never met - but he was having cyber-sex with her and sending her all kinds of dirty messages. My friend considered it cheating, her (now ex) boyfriend didn't. I don't know whether the guy knew his girlfriend would be upset by it or not. But she was, and their relationship ended because of it.
It's interesting really, how technology has even had an affect on cheating. From what I hear, 'cheating' (I put it in speech marks because for some people it isn't cheating) with someone you've never met - often someone on the other side of the world - using the internet has become kind of common. I'm not sure how many of those become actual relationships. Not many i'd guess. My suspicion is that for most of the 'cheaters' it's just an escape from reality - hardly different from porn. It'd be interesting to see some research on it. But let's cure cancer first aye... I think that's a little more pressing in the research stakes.
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on Saturday, August 23, 2008 at 7:32 PM.
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