My feet still twitchin' to the music in my head
Before I start I want to say that Kat is now the only person I like in the whole wide world because she is the only person who comments here. Thank you Kat! You are nice.
Now, without further ado, onto the actual post.
I have drums in my head. That might sound like an odd thing to say but it's true, I have an almost constant drum-beat in my head. It occurs to me this very second that this is not the first time I have written about things that often go on in my head. I'm sure it also won't be the last. The inner workings of my mind are indeed strange.
Anyway, back to the drum-beat. Remember on Ally McBeal how she used to go on about theme songs? Well it's sort of like that, a constant drumming in my head that is almost like a theme-song to whatever is happening at the time. I'm not joking about this. Perhaps it is normal for everyone and you'll all be nodding your heads right now agreeing that this happens to you as well. Even if it's not normal (which I suspect it isn't. I used to mention it at high school and remember some truly odd looks directed my way) I don't care. I wouldn't give it up. I like it.
I often end up tapping my fingers in the beat that is currently going on, particularly when I'm doing something mind-numbing like the roster or stocktake. The beat suits whatever is going on in the world around me. For instance, my boss's arrival inspires one certain drum-beat; the walk to work brings about a similar, but not quite the same, beat to my boss's; the walk home a different beat again; the boy I have interest in has his own beat that is prevalent in my mind whenever I am in his company. Actually, he has a couple of different beats but that's another story.
When I was a kid I desperately wanted to learn the drums, maybe because they were in my head even then. My mum wouldn't let me though. I remember one day she told me that I wouldn't be any good at it because I had no co-ordination. I know she was wrong. I have great co-ordination and I just know I would have been really, really good.
Instead I was forced to play the recorder. The recorder I tell you! What a lame instrument that is! Not even really worth the title of instrument. I was later allowed to play the saxophone which, at least, is a fucking cool instrument. I was really good at both in case you are wondering. Could belt out Mary had a Little Lamb with nary a mistake. Heh just kidding. I mean, I could play Mary had a Little Lamb without a mistake, I'm not kidding about that. I was good though. Good enough that I quit both instruments because my teachers insisted on moving me up to have to play with kids a lot older than myself. Being a very shy kid I couldn't bear it and couldn't bear then not being the best in the class so I gave it up.
As a kid I always wanted to be the best at stuff and tended to quit if I wasn't instantly good at something or wasn't the best. I think it was a need to make up for my lack of self-confidence in other areas. At primary school I was the best in all my classes most of the time. At college I wasn't anywhere near the best and that rankled with me. I, of course, couldn't quit school but I instead stopped putting in effort. If I wasn't trying then I wasn't failing by not being the best because by not trying I wasn't deserving anyway. I could still feel good about myself by knowing that I was well above average even without effort. Even though I routinely completed my homework during the interval and lunch breaks and barely ever touched school-work outside of school time. I could tell myself that if I actually put effort in I would be the best. It wasn't true. I wasn't the smartest person there by far and I knew it really, but by giving up trying I could convince myself that I could have been.
It happened in both the recorder and the saxophone. As soon as I was moved up to be with the older kids I quit because I was no longer the best in the class. It didn't matter to me that I was the best of my age-group at that particular music school, it only mattered that I wasn't the best in the class I was now in. I thought the other kids in my new classes were laughing at me because I wasn't as good as them. I thought that because they were older they thought I was a stupid little kid. So I gave up. I've always been a quitter and I've always hated that about myself. I did it in karate too. I quit as soon as they moved me up to the older kids class. The craziest thing about that was that 4 others in my class were moving with me so I wasn't going to be the worst in the class. But I quit anyway because I wouldn't have been the best anymore.
I no longer quit when I'm not the best but it does still bug the hell out of me. I can't stand to have my faults commented on and it is for this reason, if I'm being honest which it seems I am right now, that I will probably never make it as a writer. I can't take the criticism and until I learn how to I won't get any better than I am now.
There was a very defining moment I remember as a teenager. The moment I started hiding my desire to be the best. I still like to be the best but I hide it better now. I was having a fight with a good friend of mine, a girl I'd been friends with since we were five years old. She told me she didn't want to be friends with me anymore because she hated how I always had to be right. I would push and push until the other person admitted I was right, I would never back down. The loss of this friendship stung me deeply and still affects me now. I always do back down now whereas I never used to and don't try to stand up for myself. Recently someone told me I need to do things for myself, not for the approval of others. But I can't help it. I lost my best friend that day and never got her back. She would never be friends with me again and now I go through life terrified that it's going to happen again. So now I strive to be a person everyone wants to be friends with. It doesn't fill the hole left when Vanessa walked away from me but it does, to an extent, keep that hole from tearing me apart.
I can't and won't give up on my friends, even when maybe they deserve it, because of this event when I was 16 years old. Because I know what it is like to be given up on for a personality fault that you weren't even aware of. It's not a personality trait that's disappeared from me either. I still always know I'm right. I just don't always tell people that I'm right. Sometimes I even tell people that maybe I'm wrong, all the while knowing in my head that I'm very much right and that they are an idiot.
I have drifted very far away from the drums in my head. I shouldn't be surprised since it always seems to happen. A small part of me, however, always remains bewildered that I can travel so far off course when I'm posting here.
Back to the drums in my head. I love listening to music that has really great drumming. Phil Collins in one of my favourites. He really cares about drums and his music is a testament to that. Speaking of Phil Collins (here I go again, although it's okay this time because I think I'm done on the topic of drums to be honest. I can't think of anything else to say about them.). I'm going to start that sentence again because I went on in the brackets too long. Speaking of Phil Collins, I was most disappointed about a year ago to discover that his song 'In the Air Tonight' was not about his dead brother at all. He didn't perform it with his dead brother's killer sitting in the front row. Didn't sing it directly to his brother's killer and watch as the killer realised exactly what he was singing about. Don't get me wrong, I still love the song but it has lost some of it's magic, some of it's meaning since I learned it was all an urban myth.
Right I'm off to do the dishes. *sigh* The dishes have their own drum-beat and, let me tell you, it isn't a happy one!
:-) share this: facebook
Now, without further ado, onto the actual post.
I have drums in my head. That might sound like an odd thing to say but it's true, I have an almost constant drum-beat in my head. It occurs to me this very second that this is not the first time I have written about things that often go on in my head. I'm sure it also won't be the last. The inner workings of my mind are indeed strange.
Anyway, back to the drum-beat. Remember on Ally McBeal how she used to go on about theme songs? Well it's sort of like that, a constant drumming in my head that is almost like a theme-song to whatever is happening at the time. I'm not joking about this. Perhaps it is normal for everyone and you'll all be nodding your heads right now agreeing that this happens to you as well. Even if it's not normal (which I suspect it isn't. I used to mention it at high school and remember some truly odd looks directed my way) I don't care. I wouldn't give it up. I like it.
I often end up tapping my fingers in the beat that is currently going on, particularly when I'm doing something mind-numbing like the roster or stocktake. The beat suits whatever is going on in the world around me. For instance, my boss's arrival inspires one certain drum-beat; the walk to work brings about a similar, but not quite the same, beat to my boss's; the walk home a different beat again; the boy I have interest in has his own beat that is prevalent in my mind whenever I am in his company. Actually, he has a couple of different beats but that's another story.
When I was a kid I desperately wanted to learn the drums, maybe because they were in my head even then. My mum wouldn't let me though. I remember one day she told me that I wouldn't be any good at it because I had no co-ordination. I know she was wrong. I have great co-ordination and I just know I would have been really, really good.
Instead I was forced to play the recorder. The recorder I tell you! What a lame instrument that is! Not even really worth the title of instrument. I was later allowed to play the saxophone which, at least, is a fucking cool instrument. I was really good at both in case you are wondering. Could belt out Mary had a Little Lamb with nary a mistake. Heh just kidding. I mean, I could play Mary had a Little Lamb without a mistake, I'm not kidding about that. I was good though. Good enough that I quit both instruments because my teachers insisted on moving me up to have to play with kids a lot older than myself. Being a very shy kid I couldn't bear it and couldn't bear then not being the best in the class so I gave it up.
As a kid I always wanted to be the best at stuff and tended to quit if I wasn't instantly good at something or wasn't the best. I think it was a need to make up for my lack of self-confidence in other areas. At primary school I was the best in all my classes most of the time. At college I wasn't anywhere near the best and that rankled with me. I, of course, couldn't quit school but I instead stopped putting in effort. If I wasn't trying then I wasn't failing by not being the best because by not trying I wasn't deserving anyway. I could still feel good about myself by knowing that I was well above average even without effort. Even though I routinely completed my homework during the interval and lunch breaks and barely ever touched school-work outside of school time. I could tell myself that if I actually put effort in I would be the best. It wasn't true. I wasn't the smartest person there by far and I knew it really, but by giving up trying I could convince myself that I could have been.
It happened in both the recorder and the saxophone. As soon as I was moved up to be with the older kids I quit because I was no longer the best in the class. It didn't matter to me that I was the best of my age-group at that particular music school, it only mattered that I wasn't the best in the class I was now in. I thought the other kids in my new classes were laughing at me because I wasn't as good as them. I thought that because they were older they thought I was a stupid little kid. So I gave up. I've always been a quitter and I've always hated that about myself. I did it in karate too. I quit as soon as they moved me up to the older kids class. The craziest thing about that was that 4 others in my class were moving with me so I wasn't going to be the worst in the class. But I quit anyway because I wouldn't have been the best anymore.
I no longer quit when I'm not the best but it does still bug the hell out of me. I can't stand to have my faults commented on and it is for this reason, if I'm being honest which it seems I am right now, that I will probably never make it as a writer. I can't take the criticism and until I learn how to I won't get any better than I am now.
There was a very defining moment I remember as a teenager. The moment I started hiding my desire to be the best. I still like to be the best but I hide it better now. I was having a fight with a good friend of mine, a girl I'd been friends with since we were five years old. She told me she didn't want to be friends with me anymore because she hated how I always had to be right. I would push and push until the other person admitted I was right, I would never back down. The loss of this friendship stung me deeply and still affects me now. I always do back down now whereas I never used to and don't try to stand up for myself. Recently someone told me I need to do things for myself, not for the approval of others. But I can't help it. I lost my best friend that day and never got her back. She would never be friends with me again and now I go through life terrified that it's going to happen again. So now I strive to be a person everyone wants to be friends with. It doesn't fill the hole left when Vanessa walked away from me but it does, to an extent, keep that hole from tearing me apart.
I can't and won't give up on my friends, even when maybe they deserve it, because of this event when I was 16 years old. Because I know what it is like to be given up on for a personality fault that you weren't even aware of. It's not a personality trait that's disappeared from me either. I still always know I'm right. I just don't always tell people that I'm right. Sometimes I even tell people that maybe I'm wrong, all the while knowing in my head that I'm very much right and that they are an idiot.
I have drifted very far away from the drums in my head. I shouldn't be surprised since it always seems to happen. A small part of me, however, always remains bewildered that I can travel so far off course when I'm posting here.
Back to the drums in my head. I love listening to music that has really great drumming. Phil Collins in one of my favourites. He really cares about drums and his music is a testament to that. Speaking of Phil Collins (here I go again, although it's okay this time because I think I'm done on the topic of drums to be honest. I can't think of anything else to say about them.). I'm going to start that sentence again because I went on in the brackets too long. Speaking of Phil Collins, I was most disappointed about a year ago to discover that his song 'In the Air Tonight' was not about his dead brother at all. He didn't perform it with his dead brother's killer sitting in the front row. Didn't sing it directly to his brother's killer and watch as the killer realised exactly what he was singing about. Don't get me wrong, I still love the song but it has lost some of it's magic, some of it's meaning since I learned it was all an urban myth.
Right I'm off to do the dishes. *sigh* The dishes have their own drum-beat and, let me tell you, it isn't a happy one!
:-) share this: facebook
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 8:05 PM.
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2 Comments:
Yes, I know, I rock!! :P
hrm... you do realise your flatmate-of-awesomeness can teach you how to play the drums in an hour or less don't you???
i've left you comments before :(
but reading urs on mine i realised i haven't checked in here for a while either
and now i have ally mcbeals theme song stuck in my head
i can actually still remember the song - how sad is that??
i have theme songs but they tend to change every once in a while
no drums thou
i did learn to play em in school thou - remember that.
still carry sticks around.
got an animal one from disneyworld
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