And all the stupid things I do
have absolutely no reflection on how I feel about you
Edit - the following is not true... It's purely imagination and, because it isn't actually a story cannot be published as such. Therefore I decided to put it here.
So I told a guy I loved him today. Always a scary thing to do but I was pretty confident about the response I was going to get. In fact, I wasn't really worried about it at all and it kind of just came out. There was a brief moment of anxiety when it first slipped out but then I felt relaxed. I had no question how he felt so I needn't be worried. It was a natural progression after all.
I got half the response I expected but the other half was anything but what I expected. In fact it came from so far left-field that I'm still not sure what I think about it.
He does love me too BUT he also got another girl pregnant while I was away. So that basically sucks.
I sure know how to pick 'em. From my very first mini-crush (a guy 5 years older than me who later turned out to be gay) I've been making the wrong choices. Someone once pointed out to me that this is quite normal. After all, all it takes is one. We can only get it right once. But what if I've already had that once?
As is always the case with me I spend the first few hours of a heart-break grieving, not for the one I have just lost but for the one I lost long ago. The grieving for the one I have just lost will come later. (Edit: It's been 3 days and I still don't actually care that I got cheated on. This makes me realise that I wasn't in love with him at all. I just wanted to be because it would be convenient. Fuck, I'm worse than he is.)
I'm pretty sure I met the love of my life when I was eleven years old. Maybe it's not true, maybe I just think that because he was taken from me. Maybe I'm just remembering him with rose-tinted glasses but I think he was perfect. I think our life together would have been perfect.
I can still remember times spent laughing, spent teasing each other, spent arguing, spent just sitting quietly together enjoying each others company. He was the best friend I ever had and I still miss him every single day. My memories of him have faded with time, as memories are wont to do. But they are not gone, they will never be gone. I can now no longer bring his image to mind in a general sense and haven't been able to in many years. I can picture him in memories, doing things he actually did do but the image of him is hazy now.
I remember the one night I spent with him. I was only eleven so, obviously, I mean that in a completely innocent way but it was magic. He held me all night and that was the night I fell in love with him I think. I was a fairly innocent eleven year old, I'd had my first kiss but hadn't thought much of it, so to me the idea of a boyfriend was holding hands. I didn't even think of him as a boyfriend, he was just my best friend. I was pretty sure I was going to marry him when I grew up but I didn't have the experience to think about what that meant in sexual terms. To me, to us, it was a pure, innocent kind of love.
I told him the next day, after that night together, that I loved him. He told me he loved me too and that we would get married someday. It didn't change anything in our friendship. Times were different back then I think. Nowadays eleven year olds seem to be hooking up with each other and even having sex, but for us that never even crossed our minds, it wasn't like that.
The day he was taken from me is still one of my worst memories. It's not something I'll ever be able to forget and not something I ever want to forget. Even if I can never know that sweet, sweet feeling of being loved again my life was better just for having him in it. I wouldn't give up my memories of him for anything.
I think my eleven year old self summed it up best in my diary.
"My best friend promised he'd call after he ran to the shops.
He never called.
I miss him." share this: facebook
Edit - the following is not true... It's purely imagination and, because it isn't actually a story cannot be published as such. Therefore I decided to put it here.
So I told a guy I loved him today. Always a scary thing to do but I was pretty confident about the response I was going to get. In fact, I wasn't really worried about it at all and it kind of just came out. There was a brief moment of anxiety when it first slipped out but then I felt relaxed. I had no question how he felt so I needn't be worried. It was a natural progression after all.
I got half the response I expected but the other half was anything but what I expected. In fact it came from so far left-field that I'm still not sure what I think about it.
He does love me too BUT he also got another girl pregnant while I was away. So that basically sucks.
I sure know how to pick 'em. From my very first mini-crush (a guy 5 years older than me who later turned out to be gay) I've been making the wrong choices. Someone once pointed out to me that this is quite normal. After all, all it takes is one. We can only get it right once. But what if I've already had that once?
As is always the case with me I spend the first few hours of a heart-break grieving, not for the one I have just lost but for the one I lost long ago. The grieving for the one I have just lost will come later. (Edit: It's been 3 days and I still don't actually care that I got cheated on. This makes me realise that I wasn't in love with him at all. I just wanted to be because it would be convenient. Fuck, I'm worse than he is.)
I'm pretty sure I met the love of my life when I was eleven years old. Maybe it's not true, maybe I just think that because he was taken from me. Maybe I'm just remembering him with rose-tinted glasses but I think he was perfect. I think our life together would have been perfect.
I can still remember times spent laughing, spent teasing each other, spent arguing, spent just sitting quietly together enjoying each others company. He was the best friend I ever had and I still miss him every single day. My memories of him have faded with time, as memories are wont to do. But they are not gone, they will never be gone. I can now no longer bring his image to mind in a general sense and haven't been able to in many years. I can picture him in memories, doing things he actually did do but the image of him is hazy now.
I remember the one night I spent with him. I was only eleven so, obviously, I mean that in a completely innocent way but it was magic. He held me all night and that was the night I fell in love with him I think. I was a fairly innocent eleven year old, I'd had my first kiss but hadn't thought much of it, so to me the idea of a boyfriend was holding hands. I didn't even think of him as a boyfriend, he was just my best friend. I was pretty sure I was going to marry him when I grew up but I didn't have the experience to think about what that meant in sexual terms. To me, to us, it was a pure, innocent kind of love.
I told him the next day, after that night together, that I loved him. He told me he loved me too and that we would get married someday. It didn't change anything in our friendship. Times were different back then I think. Nowadays eleven year olds seem to be hooking up with each other and even having sex, but for us that never even crossed our minds, it wasn't like that.
The day he was taken from me is still one of my worst memories. It's not something I'll ever be able to forget and not something I ever want to forget. Even if I can never know that sweet, sweet feeling of being loved again my life was better just for having him in it. I wouldn't give up my memories of him for anything.
I think my eleven year old self summed it up best in my diary.
"My best friend promised he'd call after he ran to the shops.
He never called.
I miss him." share this: facebook
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on Saturday, January 13, 2007 at 9:09 PM.
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